Leben mit Bulimie – Ein anonymer Erfahrungsbericht

These days, it seems like everyone has an eating disorder of some kind or at least has contact with someone who suffers from one. Maybe it's a family member, a friend, a work colleague or a client.

Whoever it is, in reality this point is a huge burden for everyone involved. It was the same for me.

How it all began
I'm Lisa and I'd like to take you on a journey with me. My journey, which I have spent with a very familiar companion - my bulimia. It started when I was 13 years old. I didn't really accept that something was not 100 percent right with me and my eating behavior and that I needed help until I was 16. I tried various solutions over the years, but nothing really worked. So I more or less dragged myself along until I turned 24 without noticing any significant improvements. On August 25 last year, I turned 25 and realized how much time it actually takes to fight something like bulimia. If you are in such a situation yourself, you will be able to agree with me. My bulimia has brought me to some low points that have messed up my psyche and left me unable to sleep at night. I tried everything to think positively and took every path that promised improvement. And believe me, there were many. In the end, I ended up in a therapy center for the first time on my journey, where I spent a month.

One unsuccessful therapy later, I started another therapy. This time for three months. After many tough battles with my own self, I managed to wriggle out of the clutches of bulimia. I fulfilled my dream and now work as a personal trainer in my own small business in the fitness industry. My goal is to help all women achieve their fitness goals and feel truly at home in their bodies without bad thoughts clouding their self-perception.

Giving up is not an option
Why did I do it? It's actually quite simple, because I've decided for myself that life is unique and (sorry) damn worth living. And you know what? Even if you don't see it that way at the moment, it can be changed. Improvement is always possible. I realized this for the first time during my last stay at the therapy facility, where I got to know a lot of beautiful and strong women who all had to deal with their own personal eating disorders. Some suffered from bulimia, just like me. Others were starving and still others were struggling with an overflowing appetite. We went through many a stage together and often found ourselves caught between starvation and binge eating. In the end, however, we all managed to free ourselves.
My personal key was that I looked closely at my eating disorder in order to understand it.

So what exactly is bulimia?
The World Health Organization defines Bulimia as a syndrome characterized by repetitive cycles of excessive overeating and throwing up in order to compulsively control body weight. The aspect of weight control thus becomes the focus of daily life and is accompanied by numerous psychological effects that cloud the perception of the person affected. I, for example, always saw myself in the mirror as a fat monster, although objectively speaking I was clearly underweight. However, compulsive throwing up in particular has other physiological effects on the body because, among other things, electrolytes are constantly being lost that need to be replenished. I had to deal with unpleasant effects such as headaches, cramps and concentration problems.

It's different for everyone
Regardless of the fact that we all suffer from bulimia, we are still individuals, so effects and behaviors do vary. This is especially true of the extent of binge eating. To be honest, at my worst times I spent between 30 and 65 euros a day on food, sometimes even over 100 euros. How much it was ultimately depended on what happened that day and how I felt. The worse it was, the more expensive it was. Even 30 euros a day is a lot of money, which of course raises the legitimate question of where the money went in detail. To put it in the most unappetizing way: down the toilet. That's no exaggeration, because most of it didn't even reach my bowels. Strictly speaking, I might as well have regularly dumped coins in my toilet bowl or 5 euro bills in public toilets. Yes, I know, it's not very nice, but it's the harsh reality of bulimia. Not only did I throw up, but I also resorted to various other means of weight control. These included dubious diet pills, laxatives, fasting, excessive cardio training and yes, unfortunately, drugs. And to be honest, it didn't help, because at the worst times I couldn't even maintain a low weight, but had to watch my BMI fluctuate between 17 and 30. So having an eating disorder doesn't always mean being skinny. On the contrary, it can take many forms. Before my last therapy, I couldn't get anything under control. However, this didn't just affect me, but also many people around me, so I ended up slipping into depression step by step.

Bulimia is not just a simple eating disorder, but a vicious illness that affects every single aspect of a person's life down to the smallest detail. This includes relationships with other people as well as things like birthdays or vacations with friends, which become a real ordeal due to the pressure to hide bulimia. It took a long time for me to take the first steps in the right direction and for a viable path to slowly emerge for me. However, this path is not a one-way street, as three steps forward are often followed by two steps backwards before you can start the next movement forward. In order to take this path to recovery as quickly as possible, it is important to know what to do and what to avoid. I would therefore like to share my experiences with you.

What you'd better not do
Even if some of the following advice seems rather obvious, it is important that you consciously heed it. At this point, I would like to emphasize again that every eating disorder is different, but that doesn't change the fact that there are some points where they overlap. The biggest factor is the small nuances in communication. This applies both when healthy people talk to sufferers and when you, as a recovered person, talk to other sufferers who are still on the road to recovery.

1. it's best not to talk about the other person's appearance

"Oh, you look great!"
"You're not too thin!"
"It's nice to see that you've put on some weight again and look healthier!"
"It can't be that bad, you look fine!"

Statements like these seem quite innocuous. However, to the ears of a sufferer, they can be very hurtful and easily interpreted as "oh you look fat". Another point that is important to understand is that eating disorders are not just about appearance. As I've already told you from my own experiences, most of it happens on a psychological level. So if you want to compliment someone with an eating disorder on their appearance, you need to be sure of how the person really feels. If you can't be sure, then it's better not to do it. On the other hand, in your role as the person affected, you should also gradually work on perceiving compliments as such and responding confidently with: "Thank you, yes, I really do look healthier".

2. don't ask "stupid" questions

"So, you don't eat anything?"
"How low was your weight?"
"Do you actually eat a lot when you're ready?"
"Why are you doing this?"

Once again, it is the small nuances, these non-pejorative statements, that can really hurt those affected. You should therefore avoid making such assumptions in a conversation with someone affected. The question of "why" in particular can have fatal consequences and throw those affected off course. I can confirm this from my own experience.

3. do not ride on obvious things

"Don't you know that this is bad for your health?"
"You would feel so much better if you stopped."
"But you need X calories a day."

You can believe me, every sufferer knows these facts. I myself studied nutritional science from the age of 20 during my illness. After all, nutrition was my obsession. I also know some women who know even more about this than I do, who even have a doctorate in ecotrophology and still suffer from bulimia. As I said, bulimia is an insidious story that can neither be understood nor defeated by sheer rationality. So you should never emphasize such obvious things to someone affected, because they usually know this themselves, and perhaps even better than you do.

What to do
Admittedly, communication is an extremely hot topic. Paradoxically, however, communication is also one of the keys that makes it easier for those affected to start on the road to recovery. However, there are good and bad ways to address things in this regard. However, it is important that you have the courage to deal with the issue head-on, as this has also helped me enormously.

So here are a few suggestions that show how my friends treated me:

"I can't understand what you're going through, but I always have an open ear for you if you need someone to talk to."
"Is there anything I can do for you that will make your life easier?"
"Seems like everything wasn't all right with you yesterday. I don't want to get too involved. I just wanted to make sure that everything really is all right with you."
"I don't know what it's all about, but it hurts me that you have to go through all this. Maybe you can help me understand you better."

If you approach a sufferer with interest, do it with self-confidence and sincerity. None of us likes to be showered with pity. Even if you don't get an answer to your questions, you should be aware that your efforts are not in vain. In my case, for example, similar statements from my friends led to me getting back on track. I sought professional help and thanked my friends a lot afterwards, even if I couldn't show it at first. And believe me, that's how many people feel.

Concluding words
I hope that I have been able to create a little understanding with this article so that you, as an outsider, can understand us better. If you know someone who suffers from an eating disorder, I would be delighted if you could show them this article, as I am sure it will help. If you suffer from an eating disorder yourself, I would like to give you some advice: Never stop trying to achieve your goal of beating your eating disorder. No matter how hard it may feel or how exhausting it is. Never give up. One day you will beat the beast and feel better than ever before. The only reason for failure is if you lose hope. But remember: No one can walk this path for you. You have to do it yourself.