9 things you're sure to want to say to your gynecologist

Visits to the gynecologist are almost certainly not one of the most pleasant things you can imagine. But even if you usually endure the treatment bravely, there are still things you would like to say to your gynecologist. With this in mind, we thought we'd put into words the 9 things you've always wanted to say in the treatment room.

1 - Can't we just stop weighing ourselves?

Actually, I already feel pretty bloated twenty out of thirty days a month anyway, so I certainly don't need those flashing numbers reminding me not to stop at Burger King on the way home. Couldn't we just do a simple visual inspection and leave it at that?

2 - Where is the wardrobe for my underwear, please?

When I enter a treatment room at my GP, I really appreciate the fact that there is usually a coat rack where I can put my jacket and handbag. Why on earth isn't there some kind of shelf where I can hang my underwear neatly? I'm sick of letting my knickers come into contact with a treatment chair that thirty other women have already been allowed to sit on today.

3 - The last day of my last period, huh?

You are funny. I can't even remember what I ate for breakfast this morning, and you're asking me about the last day of my last period? Let me think - that was probably last month.

4 - Could we possibly turn off this damn glaring light?

What disturbs a woman's self-esteem even more than the physical presence of a supermodel? That's right, that damn bright light above the treatment chair that mercilessly exposes every little flaw. You have that miner's light on your head, isn't that enough?

5 - Do you have anything bigger than this paper handkerchief?

I am less than two years old and weigh more than 25 kilograms and I am definitely taller than 1.20 meters. So I also need a normal-sized paper towel instead of this handkerchief here.

6 - If I could see anything, I'd get my feet in those loops too!

Imagine lying on your back without a pillow and trying to focus on something that is happening much further south and the good uncle doctor is also repeating like a prayer wheel: "Can you please put your feet in the loops?" Honestly, I've just found a reasonably comfortable lying position and found myself a nice spot on the ceiling of your treatment room, and you have no other worries about me getting my feet into these loops?

7 - Of course I can slide down even further, but I don't really want my butt to land on your feet!

Positioning yourself properly in the treatment chair during a gynecological treatment is a bit like trying to land a Boeing 747 at a small airport. The range of movement is quite limited to say the least and I'm really not interested in stepping on your toes.  

8 - What the f**k?

Damn it's cold. Could it be that you deliberately put all your equipment in the freezer before the treatment to annoy me? Couldn't you warm up your instruments a little? A glass of wine would also be nice, it warms you up from the inside.

9 - Yes, that hurts!

I appreciate your empathy and I understand your obligatory question about whether it hurts when you mess with me with your equipment, but can't we just assume from the start that it hurts? We're not at the pediatrician's office, so just ask me on a scale of one to ten.