Love without limits: How open relationships and polyamory are reinventing our definition of fidelity

Polyamory and open relationships are experiencing a renaissance. But how can sexual freedom be achieved without tears and jealousy? We take a closer look at these lifestyles.

Polyamory means "love for multiple partners." Is this the new interpretation of free love, a form of conditional fidelity? This idea, however, is not new. It reached its peak in the 1970s, after the sexual revolution, under the term "open relationship," although today this is often understood as "sex without limits.".

For some, this might seem more arbitrary than loving. And many are familiar with the disappointments this relationship model can bring, whether through stories, films, or magazines: in the end, someone always ends up hurt and unhappy. But does it always have to end that way? Or could the "quasi-monogamous relationship" be the answer for some couples and enable long-term happiness? We'll investigate.

How does sexual freedom work without tears and jealousy?

In "quasi-monogamous" relationships, emotional fidelity is the foundation upon which couples negotiate their sexual openness. The relationship serves as a safe haven from which they occasionally venture out for casual encounters. Studies suggest that such relationships can be happy even when the couple has children.

„Love is based on honesty, not exclusivity,“ explains Seattle-based sex columnist Dan Savage, who describes this relationship style as „monogamous,“ which can be translated as „quasi-monogamous.“ A contradiction? Let’s take a closer look.

Is open monogamy the ideal model for love today? This form brings together two opposing trends: On the one hand, values like fidelity and trust are experiencing a renaissance. In a survey by the dating website Parship, 88 percent stated that fidelity is particularly important to them.

On the other hand, evolutionary researchers debate whether humans are even suited for monogamy, since our ancestors shared not only caves and mammoths, but also their partners. Studies show that only 3 to 5 percent of mammals and primates live monogamously, while monogamy is more common among birds.

Aside from that, the influence of our Stone Age DNA is evident: Infidelity occurs in every second marriage. "The 'everything with one person forever' model is still relatively new," notes Hamburg psychologist Holger Lendt.

Why do we always equate love with romantic love?

The idea of romantic love only developed in recent centuries. "This leads to exaggerated expectations of partnerships," says Lendt. In the 21st century, fidelity often seems outdated: "Economics, technology, and demographics have reshaped our social lives," says US historian Pamela Haag, who researches flexible monogamy.

Specifically, this means that women have the financial independence to make decisions about their relationships. The internet makes it easy to find people with similar emotional and erotic desires. Furthermore, we live longer today, giving us more opportunities to find a partner.

Monogamy, polyamory: What types of relationships are there? The selection of relationship models is growing, but ultimately they differ primarily in the degree of tolerance shown towards the partner.

Here are the most common variations:

Monogamy: Fidelity between two people – until death do you part. Originally: marriage with one partner or exclusive relationships.

Polygamy: Polygamy refers to multiple, including sexual, relationships held simultaneously. It is not legally permitted as a form of marriage and is often rejected as a sexual lifestyle.

Polyamory: It calls into question the concept of fidelity. The partners knowingly and willingly allow themselves to have romantic relationships with others.

Negotiated monogamy: New trend: Requires emotional loyalty to one partner, while the relationship is sexually opened up and couples negotiate what they are allowed to do.

How can an open relationship work in practice?

It depends on you! The rules are freely negotiable: Some couples allow one-night stands, others go further, some prefer silence, others total openness.

Why is it better to discuss infidelity beforehand rather than doing it secretly? "It's always better to agree on opening up the relationship," recommends Holger Lendt. "Because the loss of trust hurts the betrayed partner the most – not the sex with others."„

What to do if it hurts?

Then renegotiation is necessary: open communication and adjustments to the agreements. Esther and Leo found a compromise. Rule one: only sleep with someone special. Rule two: only sex, no romance, to protect the relationship. After a year: Leo had an affair during a business trip, and Esther had a brief romance while there.

How many people live in an open relationship? It's hard to say. In our survey, 7 percent of the 832 female participants stated that they were in an open relationship. Statistically, that's one in 14 couples. But most people don't talk openly about such arrangements. For many, sex with other partners is still considered morally questionable—especially if a woman enjoys it.

But almost a third of the women in our survey want to have sex with someone else. So lack of desire isn't the reason. "Seventy years ago, premarital sex and mixed marriages were still taboo," explains historian Haag. Today, that hardly bothers anyone.

In a survey conducted by Haag among 1,879 respondents, 41 percent said that non-monogamous relationships can work if the couple agrees. Haag predicts that this trend will increase in the long term, even if it will not become the majority.

Who is an open relationship suitable for? Not everyone is suited to this freedom: "An open relationship is only advisable for people who can truly let go of their partner," says psychologist Lendt.

Both partners need strong communication skills and a high degree of trust in each other. "An opening up will fail if it is intended as a solution for a troubled relationship," explains Lendt.

Another mistake: Doing it solely for the sake of one's partner never works. Instead, certain prerequisites are necessary, such as a thirst for sexual adventure and the willingness to constantly rebalance the relationship.

What are the benefits of an open relationship?

Those who take big risks can gain a lot – or lose a lot. An open relationship can have the potential to deepen a relationship if both partners are honest and fair with each other – emotionally and sexually. Perhaps this is how true love can last a lifetime. Virtually monogamous – and almost always faithful.